mirror, mirror
by Sasha Marie
Summary: since he exacted revenge on a murderer zim doesn't see himself as he used to. all he sees is a monster. but even small gestures help so maybe someone can bring him back to himself.


AN: hints at past ZaGr, angst and loads self loathing and a little bit of self harm and details bits of torture and murder.

Mirror, Mirror

I'm looking in the mirror. I turn my head this way and that checking my disguise for flaws. I just can't do it. I can't see what everyone else sees anymore. All I see is a monster now. Searing ruby eyes filled with burning hate, long antennae that are black like my heart and sickly green skin to match how I feel. I toss the disguise away. I don't have the heart to go today. I don't want to see him. I don't want to look at him. He told me I could talk to him. I don't want to talk.

He said I could learn to like earth and that maybe things wouldn't be so bad. I disagree. This place is so filthy and disgusting, just like my heart. I deserve this place. I go sit on the couch until Gir comes in. I wonder how long the rave even lasted. He sends a worried glance my way and asks me if I moved since he left. I shake my and he hugs me. I don't hug him back. What is affection from a defective robot?

He hands me a cupcake and I simply put it in his head. He da'awws and climbs down, running to the lab. I just sit there for hours more doing nothing. When did I become this? I go back to the mirror and inspect myself for signs of sickness. Why do I care that a human offered to be my friend? Why does he care that I have no mission and am a defect? Too many questions and no answers in sight. I hear a knock on the door and Gir answers it with a screech of joy. "Hiya Dibbeh!" he leads the human into the living room and turns on the scary monkey show. I don't move. I can't move. Why is he here I wonder? I hear footsteps soft and wary. He peers in through the door. "Zim?" He looks worried and the way he says my name drives me mad.

He speaks as if anything louder than a whisper will shatter me like a mirror if you drop it. I punch the mirror hard sending shards everywhere. He covers his face and jerks back. He looks like he's about to yell, cuss me out. My head is down to hide the tears, my antenna laid back against my head to try and stop their quivering, my eyes are shut to keep in the moisture but none of it is working. My cheeks are stained with tears and my antennae are shaking hard. He stops and looks at me shocked. After a few moments he comes over to me and removes my hand from the shattered remains of the mirror. He wipes my tears away with his hands and the scowl on my face goes away.

"Why?" He blinks honey colored eyes at me and pointedly begins removing the bits of glass from my hand so he won't have to see my face when he answers. "Because you can't stay in here forever." He finishes removing the shards and opens the cabinet. All there is inside are bandages and antibiotic salves. I've been needing those two things a lot lately. I've been having breakdowns a lot recently. Something will happen and I'll just tear myself open with my pak legs. I have pale almost white scars all over my body now but none on my face yet which surprises me.

He smears the salve over every cut, scrape, and scratch before he wraps my hand up in the bandages. His eyes narrow and I yank my hand away in horror. "Zim was that a scar?" I look away but he just grabs my chin and turns my head so that I'm looking him in the eyes again. "Was it?" I nod dumbly. He just sighs and hugs me. "Whatever you did don't do it again okay?" I nod slowly. I still can't tell him the truth. I don't think he'd understand. He holds me at arms length with both hands on my shoulders. "I'd ask you to go stargazing with me but I'm pretty sure that you've been to plenty of them already.. "

I give a wistful smile. I'll never be able to leave this wretched dirt ball so I'd might as well watch the stars in their endless waltz through the sky. I tell him to lead the way. He smiles softly and takes me to his house. We pass Gaz's empty room and I feel horrible once again. If he knew the truth I wouldn't have to worry. My self hate would be justified because he'd hate me too. They weren't very close but I've come to understand that closeness to a family member doesn't really matter. It's the fact that they share your existence and genes that matters it would seem. I try to hold the tears back but to no avail. I hope he doesn't notice but he does. He wipes away another tear. I blame myself for the entire incident. I never should have let her walk back alone. It's not so much that she was murdered and raped but that I stooped to a whole new level afterward. I remember it like it was last night but it happened months ago.

I tortured him for what he did and enjoyed it. He screamed and screamed and nobody heard. I cut his fingers off. Not the whole thing at once. Oh no, to quick that way. I wanted him to suffer great pain. I broke his fingers at every knuckle joint then cut them off at the joint. I continued breaking and cutting him joint by joint until I was covered in his scarlet blood and still he screamed. I loved every whimper, every yelp, every scream. I reveled in his pain. I asked him how it felt to be raped by metal. He cried his tears sliding down his cheeks to fall upon the smooth, cold table.

A hand on my cheek brings me out of my daze and I bury my face in his chest to cry even harder. He just holds me without a word. He doesn't need words for me to know that he misses her as well. I can't hold it in any longer. I tell him everything. He glares at me at first but then his expression slowly becomes shocked and then sympathetic. I don't understand. Why doesn't he hate me? "You did good Zim. Better than the legal system would've. My only regret was that I wasn't there to help." I nod unable to speak anymore. He doesn't hate me. So why do I still hate myself? Because I let her go alone and she died because of it. Maybe it's not so bad after all. If one person on this horrid planet could care about could not another? Maybe with his help I can forgive myself and climb out of this oubliette I've tossed myself into. I want the warmth of another's heart not the coldness of simply forgetting. I wonder what I will see in the mirror a month from now? Perhaps a monster perhaps not. I won't know until then.


End file.
